


Queer Eye For the Engaged Guys

by heyjupiter



Series: When Things Start Getting Real [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy RPF, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crossover, M/M, Science Boyfriends, Science Bros, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 15:00:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18552130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyjupiter/pseuds/heyjupiter
Summary: Three years after Bruce Banner's first appearance on Queer Eye, the Fab Five are back for a very special follow-up episode in honor of Bruce's engagement to Tony Stark. Bruce and Tony are happy to have help with all the tough choices ahead of them: suits to pick out, cakes to taste, and of course, finding a plus-one for Thor.





	Queer Eye For the Engaged Guys

**Author's Note:**

  * For [volunteerfd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/volunteerfd/gifts).



> This is a sequel to [Queer Eye for the Science Guy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15319341), though I'm sure you could follow this fine without reading that one first, if you choose.
> 
> A small note about Pepper Potts: this fic, as well as the one preceding it, take place in a slight AU in which Pepper has decided to keep her relationship with Tony private, since she doesn't want to damage her reputation as new CEO of Stark Industries with rumors that Tony only appointed her out of romantic feelings. I always ship a poly Bruce/Pepper/Tony situation but Pepper absolutely doesn't want that getting out on Netflix, so in my mind, she's opting out of the Queer Eye experience. But there's not a good way to explain that all within the fic itself, of course, since the fic represents everything being filmed. (If you don't ship an OT3, you can just imagine that she's not there for other reasons, whatever floats your boat.)
> 
> Anyway, this a gift for volunteerfd, who was also kind enough to beta read it!
> 
> It also fulfills the "Hello, World!" square on my [Science Bros Bingo card](https://twentyghosts.tumblr.com/sciencebrosbingo).

_INT: Fab 5 Truck, driving through Manhattan_  
JONATHAN:  
Hey, Bobby, where are we--oh, I'm too excited to pretend anymore! Can I say where we're going?

BOBBY:  
_(Laughs)_  
Go ahead.

JONATHAN:  
We're going back to Avengers Tower! Because those beautiful geniuses Bruce Banner and Tony Stark are getting married! Ahhh! Can you _believe_? Now, personally, I would have to say, yes I _can_ believe, because from second zero of the day we met them it was completely obvious that they were fully in love.

TAN:  
You were right, Jonathan.

JONATHAN:  
Tan, it is so lovely to hear you say that. Not everyone is mature enough to admit when they were as wrong as you were.

BOBBY:  
We don't usually get to return to our heroes after we leave them, but this is just such a special occasion. We're honored to be included with helping to plan their special day.

KARAMO:  
I'm so excited to see Bruce again. It felt like he was just starting to come out of his shell when we left him, and that was a little over three years ago.

TAN:  
And we still don't see much of him in the news. Tony and Steve Rogers are still very much the biggest public faces of the Avengers. People know the Hulk, of course, but Bruce is more of a private citizen most of the time.

KARAMO:  
Which I think is fine. I encourage people to step outside of their comfort zones, but that doesn't mean they have to live there. 

JONATHAN:  
Like, if you think about it, Tony Stark is like, the me of the Avengers, because we're both like, very loud and excited and just like, out here having press conferences just to scream 'Hello, world!' 

KARAMO:  
You've never done that.

JONATHAN:  
I mean, I have a podcast though, which is kind of the same thing. But anyway, Bruce is more like, the Bobby of the Avengers, because he's like, doing such important work but kind of more behind the scenes. But obviously we need the whole team to get anything done.

BOBBY:  
Aww, thanks, Jonathan.

KARAMO:  
Right. Bruce has his own valuable skills, and it's completely fine if public speaking isn't one that he's focusing on. I just hope Bruce has kept up the work he was doing to start to express himself better in his private life. Why don't we just remind ourselves, and the viewers, what kinds of things we helped Bruce work on during our last visit?

BOBBY:  
Well, it's funny to think of now, but when we met Bruce, he seemed really hesitant to commit to even living in New York. His bedroom felt like a hotel room, completely unpersonalized. So I tried to help him feel some ownership over his space, and built a yoga studio for him to share his practice with others if he chose.

JONATHAN:  
I'd say he's feeling way more ownership over his space! Once he marries Tony, he'll own that whole tower. I just hope he remembers those of us who helped him along the way…  
_(Hair toss)_  
Anyway, Bruce has the most gorj curls but he was using shampoo for straight hair, so I helped him get some new products that were right for his hair type. Plus I stocked his cabinet with shea butter in case his skin gets irritated from smooching somebody with a beard.

TAN:  
I helped Bruce get some proper clothes of his own, since at that time he was mostly just wearing things that he'd borrowed from Tony.

KARAMO:  
The work I did with Bruce was mostly to get him to think about his work-life balance, and to try to encourage him to spend just a little less time working, even though is work is very important. I mean, probably? His work _seems_ very important, I just still don't understand what it is exactly.

ANTONI:  
And, kind of tying back into work-life balance, I learned that Bruce was already a pretty competent cook, so my challenge to him was to try out some more elaborate baking projects from time to time.

JONATHAN:  
Ooh, I hope he kept on making those macarons you taught him, because those were like, transcendently delicious.

ANTONI:  
Let's find out!

 _INT: Avengers Tower, common room_  
TONY:  
Oh, hey guys! You made it. Bruce is down in the workshop, he's going to be so surprised to see you.

ANTONI:  
Um, are you sure we should be surprising him?

TONY:  
He loves surprises!

BRUCE:  
_(Enters, carrying plate of macarons)_  
No, _you_ love surprises. I don't, which is why JARVIS gave me a heads up. Hi, guys. It's nice to see you.  
_(Sets macarons on table)_

JONATHAN:  
Bruce, you incredible hero, I'm so happy for you! And so happy about these cookies! Can I see the ring? Oooh! That is _shiny_.

BRUCE:  
_(Smiles)_  
Thanks.

JONATHAN:  
Have you been using the shea butter I left you? For beard burn?

BRUCE:  
…

JONATHAN:  
You have, I can tell, your skin looks great.

TAN:  
Uh, Bruce, I do have to ask...are you wearing one of Tony's T-shirts?

BRUCE:  
_(Looks down, crosses arms over chest)_  
Oh! I...I was wearing a different shirt earlier, but, um, I had to change, and, uh, anyway, maybe we should all sit down?  
_(Gestures at room's seating, sits on far end of couch)_

TONY:  
_(Sits extremely close to Bruce)_  
He does wear his own clothes _pretty_ often, I will say. He looks so good in purple. But also so good in vintage rock T-shirts. He just looks so good in everything, is the thing.

BRUCE:  
_(Laughs)_

TAN:  
Bruce, I have to be honest, I was a little surprised that you agreed to let us do a wedding planning episode with you, just given how private you are.

BRUCE:  
Well--

TONY:  
\--We watched the episode, you know. We heard Jonathan say he'd become a supervillain if we didn't invite you to our wedding.

ANTONI:  
Oh, he was just kidding about--

JONATHAN:  
\--No ma'am, I was not kidding at all. I have a _lot_ of sharp objects at my disposal and I know how to use them.

TONY:  
\--So really, we have a kind of ethical obligation. We'd much rather do this now than have to fight Jonathan later. I mean, he could really screw up my hair.

BRUCE:  
_(Laughs)_  
It, um, it's also kind of a compromise.

KARAMO:  
What do you mean by that?

BRUCE:  
Well--just, obviously, there's a lot of interest in, um, our wedding, since Tony is such a...internationally beloved icon, and--

TONY:  
\--And so are you!

BRUCE:  
Whatever you say, Tony. Anyway--there are a lot of people who would really like to attend...and, um.

TONY:  
_(Cheerfully)_  
And we don't want them to.

BRUCE:  
It's just that I--

TONY:  
\-- _We_ \--

BRUCE:  
\--Would prefer to keep the ceremony small and private. But, um, we understand that people are curious. So this way we can share, um, what we're comfortable sharing.

TONY:  
Plus we wanted to thank you guys, for everything you did for Bruce.

TAN:  
Well, it was our pleasure. So, ah, can we go ahead and get started? I'm obviously dying to know what you're thinking of wearing.

BRUCE:  
Well--

BOBBY:  
Wait, back up, I think we need to know a little bit more about where you're having it, and what kind of vibe you're going for. You know, beach wedding, formal gala...Disney-themed extravaganza?

BRUCE:  
Was beach wedding an option?

TONY:  
Is that what you want?

BRUCE:  
I guess not. It's just appealing to think that I could just walk into the sea if things get too stressful…

TONY:  
...Okay, we're definitely not having a beach wedding, I can't deal with you leaving me for a mermaid.

BRUCE:  
Oh, no, I'd drag you into the sea with me.

TONY:  
_(Brightens)_  
Oh, well, in that case!

BRUCE:  
Still, I guess we should probably stick with our original plan.

TAN:  
Which is?

BRUCE:  
Oh! Uh, just, here, we were just going to get married here. I mean, not here in this exact room, but in the Tower.

JONATHAN:  
Ooh, I bet you got a great deal on renting it.

TONY:  
Friends and family discount.

BOBBY:  
So, indoors. How formal?

TONY:  
It's just that Bruce looks really incredible in a bow tie.

BRUCE:  
Not as good as you do.

TAN:  
So, pretty formal?

BRUCE:  
I guess so.

TAN:  
Any ideas about color, cut, fit…?

BRUCE:  
No?

TONY:  
Several. I'll send you some photos.  
_(Pulls out his phone and taps at screen)_

TAN:  
_(Looks at his phone)_  
Ah, lovely. These are a great starting point. I'll reach out to some designers and bring back some options for you to try on.

BRUCE:  
I'm sure any of them will be fine--ah...I mean, great.

TONY:  
I can't wait to see them on you. And off you.

BRUCE:  
_(Smiles)_

BOBBY:  
Back to the venue...any thoughts about decoration? Theme? Color scheme? Flowers?

BRUCE:  
Oh, I don't know, I'm sorry.

TONY:  
Red and green, obviously.

BRUCE:  
That's Christmas.

TONY:  
Getting to be with you is like Christmas every day.

FAB 5:  
_(In unison)_  
Aww!

BOBBY:  
That is an adorable sentiment, but red and green will definitely look like Christmas. Which is fine, if that's what you want. But it'll be a little unusual for September.

BRUCE:  
I'm not...wild about green. What about gold and purple? 

JONATHAN:  
Ooh, yass honey, regal.

TONY:  
'Cause you're the king of my heart, Brucie.

BRUCE:  
_(Laughs, presses face into Tony's chest)_

TONY:  
_(Kisses top of Bruce's head)_

BOBBY:  
Okay, purple and gold is a good place to start.

TAN:  
I can incorporate that into wardrobe, as well.

BRUCE:  
_(Still facing Tony's chest)_  
_(Inaudible)_

TONY:  
Bruce says that sounds great.

ANTONI:  
What about food? Have you thought about food at all?

BRUCE:  
_(Sits back up)_  
...Cake?

TONY:  
Definitely cake.

ANTONI:  
Cake, yes, obviously. Are you providing your guests with a meal? Just hors d'oeuvres? Pizza?

TONY:  
Oh, we should have shawarma.

BRUCE:  
Aww.

TONY:  
It was our first date.

BRUCE:  
It wasn't really--

TONY:  
But you _did_ come home with me afterwards, so. It totally counts.

BRUCE:  
_(Smiles)_  
Okay. 

ANTONI:  
Shawarma?

BRUCE:  
And falafel.

ANTONI:  
Okay, well...I can use this as a starting point and come up with a potential menu.

TONY:  
Don't forget about the cake. Did you write it down? Write down 'cake.'

ANTONI:  
I'm not going to forget wedding cake.

KARAMO:  
What about the ceremony itself? Do you have an officiant? Are you planning to write your own vows?

TONY:  
Yes and yes.

KARAMO:  
Do you want any help with that?

BRUCE:  
We kind of want to keep the vows private.

KARAMO:  
I could still help you write them, off-camera. If you'd like.

BRUCE:  
I know what I want to say, but thanks.

KARAMO:  
Sure. Well, if you change your mind, you can always give me a call. What about entertainment? Are you having a band or a DJ?

TONY:  
Angus Young owes me a favor.

BRUCE:  
Do I know him? Is he the cellist?

TONY:  
Don't worry about it. The music is taken care of.

BRUCE:  
_(Taps phone)_  
...I might just walk into the sea.

KARAMO:  
_(Laughs)_  
Well, that's something the two of you can talk about and make sure you're on the same page. Of course, the point of the wedding is to celebrate you two and your love, but it's also a kind of gift for your guests, so you want to make sure they have a good experience. 

TONY:  
Guests at my parties have _never_ had bad experiences.

BRUCE:  
Hmm.

TONY:  
_(Sighs)_  
Rhodey's told you too many stories. Okay, guests at my parties have never had bad experiences, except for that one time when I was being slowly poisoned to death at my birthday party. And, you weren't even there for that, and honestly, I was having a worse time than anyone, so, you know, I think that's all balanced out. Karmically speaking.

KARAMO:  
Okay, so, uh, I guess, try not to get...poisoned...before your big day?

BRUCE:  
I second that.

TONY:  
It's not like I _wanted_...you know what, never mind. I will do my best not to get poisoned before our wedding.

BRUCE:  
Or after.

TONY:  
Or after.

BRUCE:  
Put it in your vows. 

TONY:  
_(Laughs)_

BRUCE:  
I'm serious, write that down.

TONY:  
_(Rolls eyes, taps phone)_

BRUCE:  
_(Smiles, kisses Tony's cheek)_

KARAMO:  
So...how about, as a planning exercise, the two of you write out a program for how you'd like the day to go, and next time we meet, I'll see what I can do to help you execute your plan.

BRUCE:  
That sounds good, thank you.

TONY:  
Getting married has a lot of homework. Uh, not that it's not going to be totally worth it.

TAN:  
Marriage is a lot of work but you're right, it's totally worth it.

JONATHAN:  
Oh, Tannie, are you married? You never mention it. 

TAN:  
What can I say, I love my husband. That's why we've been married for over twelve years.

JONATHAN:  
_(Sighs)_  
So much cuteness, all around me! Anyway. Bruce, Tony, I'm kind of guessing neither of you have any plans for dramatic hairstyle changes for your big day?

TONY:  
_(Clutches head)_  
You can't touch my hair.

BRUCE:  
You can touch mine, but I don't think there's much hope for it.

JONATHAN:  
Bruce, you are _working_ the salt and pepper, seriously, I am living for it. But I do have to ask, have you been using the kind of shampoo I showed you before?

BRUCE:  
...Yes.

JONATHAN:  
_(Sternly)_  
You're an Avenger, you can't lie.

BRUCE:  
Well...I used up the bottle you got me, and it was really nice and all, but then after that I, uh, went back to stealing Tony's shampoo.

TONY:  
_(Fondly)_  
He's like a thieving little raccoon.

JONATHAN:  
I'm going to set you up with a pre-wedding beauty product regiment. You'll thank me for it!

BRUCE:  
I'm sure I will.

JONATHAN:  
Can I eat one of these cookies now?

BRUCE:  
Oh, yes, of course.

JONATHAN:  
Yesss.  
_(Eats macaron)_

TAN:  
So, how has your life changed since we did our first episode with you?

BRUCE:  
Well, um, I guess the obvious thing is, uh, Tony and I are together now, so...so thank you all for that.

JONATHAN:  
It's truly our pleasure.

ANTONI:  
I have a feeling that would have happened even without us.

BRUCE:  
Well, maybe--

TONY:  
\--Definitely--

BRUCE:  
\--But it was really eye-opening for me to hear from you guys, because I--I obviously was very into Tony but I just didn't think it was possible that he'd ever reciprocate my feelings, and you guys helped me understand that, uh, maybe it was possible.

TONY:  
_(Kisses Bruce)_  
It's honestly hurtful that you'd think I'd be too dumb to notice how amazing you are.

ANTONI:  
Stop being so adorable, you guys!

JONATHAN:  
I mean, who gave you permission?  
_(Stage whispers)_  
I do, I give you permission, keep being adorable forever.

KARAMO:  
Too often, it's hard for people to see and understand the love that's right in front of them, because the first step is to love yourself, and believe yourself to be a person worth loving. And it can take a lot of hard work for some people to reach that point, but it's always worth it to get there.

BRUCE:  
_(Smiles)_  
Yeah.

BOBBY:  
What about in kind of your day to day life, do people ever recognize you from the show?

BRUCE:  
Um, yeah, actually, sometimes. I mean, I'm definitely still more recognizable as, uh, the Other Guy, but sometimes people do come up and talk to me about the show. It's kind of weird, but not bad. People can be so nice.

TONY:  
The show was really just an hour-long commercial for how adorable Bruce is, so yeah, people want to talk to him about it.

BRUCE:  
I'm not sure that's what everyone else got out of it.

TONY:  
I think you're wrong, Brucie-Goosey. 

JONATHAN:  
You _are_ totes adorbs.

KARAMO:  
If I had to guess, I think a lot of people really responded to the vulnerability you showed us, Bruce. I mean, people think of the Hulk, and he's, you know, this big, strong, invulnerable guy, and that's sometimes exactly what we need to save the day. But I think people can relate a lot more to somebody who's maybe a little shy, maybe still trying to figure out where he belongs. And it was so lovely of you to share that part of yourself with us.

TONY:  
Well, he knows where he belongs now, and it's right here.

BRUCE:  
_(Smiles)_  
That's true. So probably after this episode goes up, people will find me less likable.

KARAMO:  
Well, I wouldn't count on that.

BRUCE:  
I guess I can live with that.

KARAMO:  
Well, we've got a long drive home, and you two have a lot of work to do, so we'll leave you to it for now. But it was really great to see you.

BRUCE:  
Yeah, thanks. You guys, too.

JONATHAN:  
Can we do a group hug?

BRUCE:  
Sure.

ALL:  
_(Group hug)_

* * *

_INT: Fab 5 Truck, driving through Manhattan_  
JONATHAN:  
It's the big day! I'm _so_ excited, I could just die, except at the last minute the Avengers would save me, because that's kind of their thing.

TAN:  
It's not actually _the_ big day, but it's _our_ big day.

BOBBY:  
Bruce and Tony are actually getting married next month, but today we're meeting up with them again to help finalize all the details.

TAN:  
And get a fashion show!

ANTONI:  
And a cake tasting.

JONATHAN:  
Oooh, yasss.

_INT: Avengers Tower, ballroom_

FAB 5:  
_(Enter, all with arms full of stuff)_

BRUCE:  
Oh, let me help you...uh, or, just set it on the banquet table, I guess? Wow, what is all this?

TONY:  
I hope it's all cakes.

BOBBY:  
Just a few teeny tiny things to help make your big day even more special. Can I go first?

BRUCE:  
Sure.

BOBBY:  
So, of course it's too soon to actually get flowers, but I made some mockups to show you. I used purple and gold as the main colors, but I also know that sustainability is a concern, so the table centerpieces are actually centered around living potted succulents, that your guests can then take home as favors.

BRUCE:  
Oh, that's so nice.

TONY:  
Point of fact: those are yellow roses. Not gold.

BOBBY:  
So, I'm so glad you mentioned that. Here's another option, now these are [real roses that have been dipped in gold plate](https://www.loveisarose.com/gold-dipped-roses.html).

TONY:  
Ooh, shiny!

BRUCE:  
That seems...wasteful.

TONY:  
I think it's worth it. I have an aesthetic to live up to.

BOBBY:  
The nice thing is that they do last forever, so some people will just get one or two to mix in with fresh flowers, and then keep the gold ones as mementos.

BRUCE:  
But what are we going to do with gold roses afterward?

TONY:  
We'll think of something. Use them in office decor. Give them to new interns. Hold them in our teeth and learn how to tango.

BOBBY:  
I mean, to be blunt, budget isn't really an issue for you two, is it?

TONY:  
Nope.

BRUCE:  
But that doesn't mean we need to be wasteful.

TONY:  
But they're so shiny! C'mon, Bruce, please?

BRUCE:  
Okay, yes, sure, if you want them. I guess maybe we could auction them off for charity afterward?

BOBBY:  
That's a lovely thought. Okay, so that's flowers...here are some options for table settings and lighting…

BRUCE:  
Oh, those are nice.

BOBBY:  
Which?

BRUCE:  
All of them?

TONY:  
I like this one the best.

BRUCE:  
Oh, yeah, that one is good.

BOBBY:  
Okay then!

BRUCE:  
Um, thank you, Bobby, I know this was a lot of work! I'm just not...I mean, they all look nice.

TONY:  
_(Points)_  
Except this one. This one, not your best work. You really phoned it in on this one.

BRUCE:  
He's kidding.

TONY:  
_(Ambivalent hand gesture)_

TAN:  
Okay, well, let's move on to clothes?

BRUCE:  
Sure.

TAN:  
I had a little back and forth with you after our last meeting, and based on that feedback I've brought a few options for you both to try on.

BRUCE:  
Great.

TONY:  
You could try to sound a _little_ more enthusiastic, you are going to get to see me in all these tuxes soon.

BRUCE:  
_(Smiles)_  
Well, when you put it like that.

BRUCE & TONY:  
_(Fashion montage)_

BRUCE:  
Um, these are all...really nice.

TONY:  
The Armani, for sure.

BRUCE:  
Which one was that?

TONY:  
The second one, with the peaked lapels?

BRUCE:  
Oh, right, totally. Gotta...gotta have a peaked lapel.

TONY:  
Do you like the Tom Ford better? It _is_ kind of nice to support American designers.

BRUCE:  
Which--

TONY:  
\--it's the one you're still wearing.

BRUCE:  
_(Looks down)_  
Oh. Yeah, no, um, the other one was better.

TAN:  
You don't sound too sure.

BRUCE:  
Or maybe it was worse? I...I don't know, I'm sorry, this is all kind of overwhelming.

TONY:  
_(Embraces Bruce)_  
_(Inaudible)_

BRUCE:  
No, of course I do, I...yes, the Armani, is, uh, great.

TONY:  
Are you sure? Because you'd also look great if you just wanted to get married in jeans and a T-shirt.

TAN:  
You _cannot_ do that to me.

BRUCE:  
No, I mean, I want...to look nice and everything, I just, um.

KARAMO:  
It's totally normal to feel nervous about marriage, especially given that this is being made more public than usual.

BRUCE:  
No, it's, I just never thought I'd get married...even before, uh, my accident, I just...my parents...well, I just never had a good...model for what marriage could be, I guess.

KARAMO:  
That sounds really hard.

TONY:  
Hey, we don't have to do this, Bruce. It's not too late to call it off.

TAN:  
Yes, it is.

BRUCE:  
No, that's not what I want!

KARAMO:  
Well, you know, we didn't really talk about this before, but in this day and age, plenty of couples never marry, they just live together in partnership. There isn't so much social stigma to being unmarried as there once was. Have you thought about why you want to get married? It's a different question from why you want to be together.

BRUCE:  
Well--I don't--I don't have any doubt in my mind that I want to be with Tony. I know he--I know our marriage wouldn't be...I know it would be different. Would be good. Would be great. But I think the main thing, for me, um. This is maybe morbid--

TONY:  
\--I can't wait to hear where this is going--

BRUCE:  
\--Well, it's just, it's stupid to pretend that the stuff we do isn't dangerous. And I just, I just think, that if something were to happen, I'd...I'd want to make sure that it was officially in the books, how much we loved each other.

TONY:  
You want to get married so you'll be listed in my obituary?

BRUCE:  
I, um.

TONY:  
_(Sincerely)_  
That is so romantic.

BRUCE:  
But try not to die, though, please.

TONY:  
_(Kisses Bruce_ )  
Doing my best, babe. But if I do, though, this way you get all my stuff. Well--most of it.

BRUCE:  
Aww. If I die, you can have all your shirts back.

TONY:  
I'm putting that in the will.

BRUCE:  
_(Laughs)_  
Anyway, so no, I don't have any doubts about marrying Tony. I'd marry him right now. I just--I just don't mean to be rude, but I don't have a lot of opinions about this stuff. I mean, you know, if you showed me a clown suit and a black tuxedo, I'd obviously like one more than the other. You showed me three black tuxedos. They look exactly the same to me. That doesn't mean I don't love Tony, or even that I don't appreciate the work you did in picking out these three black tuxedos. Is...does that make sense?

TAN:  
Perfect sense, Bruce.

TONY:  
They _are_ different, though.

BRUCE:  
I trust you, Tony. That's why I'll wear whatever you pick.

TONY:  
_(Raises eyebrows)_  
_Whatever_ I pick?

BRUCE:  
...Whatever of Tan's three options you pick.

TONY:  
Ah. Well, then, the Armani, obviously.

TAN:  
_So_ glad that's settled. Oh, and--I had you all try those on with the standard black bowtie, but I did have these made for you, if you're interested.

TONY:  
Purple and gold paisley!

BRUCE:  
Aww, I like those. See--these are very obviously different from the plain black ties.

TAN:  
I'm glad you like them. I can also get some for your groomsmen?

TONY:  
Yes. Please.

BRUCE:  
Um, speaking of groomsmen, we have kind of a surprise for you, Jonathan?

JONATHAN:  
_(Gasps)_  
Oh my literal god, is it Thor, is Thor here, _where is he_.

BRUCE:  
He, um, he has some rooms at the Tower for when he's on Earth, so he's up there right now. I just thought since there's not much to do with my hair, um, he said he wouldn't mind if you gave him a haircut. If you want.

JONATHAN:  
_(Squealing)_  
There is nothing I would rather do.

ANTONI:  
And, um, apparently Thor's rooms are pretty large, so I actually had most of the food tasting set up in his quarters.

JONATHAN:  
_(Gasps)_  
Antoni, you were in on this?! You knew Thor was here and you didn't tell me to change my shirt?

ANTONI:  
That shirt looks great on you.

JONATHAN:  
You think so? Aww, thanks.

BRUCE:  
_(Amused)_  
So, um, maybe we could go on up to Thor's suite now?

TAN:  
You don't want to change back out of that tux before you go eat a bunch of tahini sauce?

BRUCE:  
Oh, I...forgot I was wearing it.

TAN:  
See, fashion can be comfortable!

TONY:  
You can keep it on, as far as I'm concerned.

BRUCE:  
No, of course, let's change and then go upstairs.

TONY:  
Maybe give us a few minutes. I don't want to rush.

BRUCE:  
_(Rolls eyes)_

TONY:  
Seriously, take your time unbuttoning that shirt.

BRUCE:  
We will be _right_ back.

BRUCE & TONY:  
_(Leave and return several minutes later)_

JONATHAN:  
Under other circumstances, I'd say it's inspirational how obviously horny you two are for each other, but please can we go meet Thor right now!

BRUCE:  
_(Coughs)_  
Um, yeah, let's...go do that.

 _INT: Avengers Tower, Thor's quarters_  
THOR:  
Ah, queer friends, hello! Welcome!

JONATHAN:  
_(Stares)_  
Oh, my god, you are just a big ol' hunk of space god, aren't you?

THOR:  
I suppose that is one way to describe me!

BRUCE:  
Thor, this is Jonathan, he's the one who's going to cut your hair. And then there's--

THOR:  
Banner, of course I am familiar with Karamo, Bobby, Tan, and Antoni. I have watched every episode of Queer Eye! Though of course, yours is the best episode. 

JONATHAN:  
_You watch our show?_

THOR:  
Yes, it has been most helpful to me in attempting to understand Earth culture. Some Earthen men are so backwards!

KARAMO:  
You're telling me!

ANTONI:  
I'm just going to put the finishing touches on the food, and then when Jonathan and Thor are ready we can eat.

RHODEY:  
_(Enters)_  
Hey guys, sorry, something came up, did I miss the haircut?

THOR:  
You are just in time!

JONATHAN:  
Okay, Thor, let's move to the bathroom to get started. Could you take your shirt off?

THOR:  
Is that an Earthen custom for hair cutting? 

JONATHAN:  
...Yes.

THOR:  
I have seen the aprons you use when cutting hair. I thought those were to protect garments?

JONATHAN:  
They, ah, okay, fine, you got me, I just wanted to see you with your shirt off.

THOR:  
Why did you not simply say so?  
_(Removes shirt)_

JONATHAN:  
This is the best day of my entire life.

THOR & JONATHAN:  
_(Exit)_

KARAMO:  
I hope he survives.

BRUCE:  
Oh, Thor's very gentle, he won't hurt him.

KARAMO:  
I meant I hope Jonathan doesn't hurt Thor. He can be aggressive.

BRUCE:  
_(Laughs)_  
I think he'll be okay.

TONY:  
Rhodey, you sure you don't want a haircut too? I'm sure Jonathan could squeeze you in.

RHODEY:  
_(Rubs scalp)_  
I gotta say I think the ship has sailed on that one.

KARAMO:  
You could take your shirt off too. Just in case.

RHODEY:  
_(Laughs)_

KARAMO:  
Oh, yeah, that was definitely a joke. For sure.

RHODEY:  
How's everything else going?

BRUCE:  
Good, we got, um, suits.

TONY:  
They're very tasteful.

BRUCE:  
And gold-plated roses.

TONY:  
Possibly slightly less tasteful.

JONATHAN:  
_(Enters)_  
Are you all ready to see Thor's transformation? Wait, his trans-Thormation?

RHODEY:  
(Bleep) yes.

JONATHAN:  
Okay, Thor, come on out and show everyone this fabulousness!

THOR:  
_(Enters, absently running fingers through hair)_

JONATHAN:  
Thor! Stop touching it.

BRUCE:  
Wow, it's really...ah, shiny.

TONY:  
Looking sharp, Thor! I thought Jonathan might chop it all off.

THOR:  
I would not permit that.

JONATHAN:  
Mmm, see, it takes the right kind of man to rock long hair. With some men, it's like, the hair is wearing them, you know? But Thor...Thor is _wearing_ this hair.

TAN:  
Did you give him a blowout?

JONATHAN:  
You know I did, henny.

THOR:  
I think it looks quite nice! I enjoyed the application of heat to my head.

JONATHAN:  
I would be so happy to apply heat elsewhere if you want.

THOR:  
Oh, would this process work on my beard as well?

JONATHAN:  
...Yes.

ANTONI:  
Anyway, is everyone hungry?

THOR:  
Always! Did you make guacamole, Antoni?

ANTONI:  
Actually, no, um, our grooms requested shawarma, so I went with a Middle Eastern flavor profile. But I made a few tweaks, like for example I used some Greek yogurt in the tahini sauce, and I made a baked falafel instead of fried. I set it out buffet style, so everyone can serve themselves.

ALL:  
_(Prepare plates, begin eating)_

BRUCE:  
Hmm.

TONY:  
Hmm.

THOR:  
Has this food been sabotaged? Perhaps by my mischievous brother? He does bear a slight grudge against Banner and Stark. Completely unreasonable of him, of course, they were acting as befits valiant warriors in the Battle of New York.

ANTONI:  
What? No, I was just trying to make it a little bit lighter. I figured you guys are, you know, always trying to stay fit. For Avenging and all.

BRUCE:  
It's, um, I really appreciate that effort. 

TONY:  
Is there any cake?

ANTONI:  
You don't like the food?

BRUCE:  
No, of course, it's just, you know, I was just thinking, if we're doing a tribute to the restaurant where we ate together that first time, why don't we just see if they'll cater?

TONY:  
_Yes._ Bruce, you're a genius.

BRUCE:  
It's, just, um, I think that would be more meaningful. And it's great to support local businesses.

TONY:  
Totally meaningful.

RHODEY:  
This hummus isn't bad though.

BRUCE:  
Oh yeah, the hummus is pretty good.

ANTONI:  
Have you ever had chocolate hummus?

BRUCE:  
What? No.

TAN:  
You didn't put chocolate hummus in the cake, did you?

ANTONI:  
No, but sometimes I like to make it and put it out with pretzels and fruit slices…

TAN:  
No, Antoni, no, let's just move on.

ANTONI:  
Okay, well...feedback noted, let's move on to cake tasting!

TONY:  
Yay!

THOR:  
These cakes look very beautiful! Did you make them, Antoni?

ANTONI:  
No, I made arrangements with a few local bakeries for you to try them.

TONY:  
Yay!

ANTONI:  
So, there's a classic vanilla buttercream, a Black Forest, a red velvet, a tiramisu-inspired cake, and--

BRUCE:  
\--Are those blueberries?

ANTONI:  
Ah, yes, and a blueberries and lemon cream. Tony mentioned--

BRUCE:  
Oh, that is so sweet. I can't believe you remembered.  
_(Kisses Tony)_

RHODEY:  
Uh, you want to fill the rest of us in on why you shouldn't just have that dope Black Forest cake?

TONY:  
Oh, the first time we met, I brought some freeze-dried blueberries to snack on, and obviously I offered to share them with my sexy new lab partner.

RHODEY:  
I thought first time you met was on the helicarrier when you were trying to find the Tesseract.

TONY:  
Yes. And?

RHODEY:  
And you packed snacks?

TONY:  
It's important to keep your energy up when you're doing a lot of science. You know this, Rhodey.

BRUCE:  
It was very kind of him to share.

TONY:  
It was pretty self-interested honestly, I knew I wanted to keep you around. For, like, ever.

THOR:  
That is a very nice story, but it does not change the fact that this red cake is the best of the cakes.

BRUCE:  
Red velvet _is_ pretty good.

TONY:  
Yeah, but the blueberries. They're kind of our thing.

BRUCE:  
Who says we can't get two cakes?

RHODEY:  
I still like the Black Forest.

BRUCE:  
Okay, who says we can't get three cakes?

BOBBY:  
You know, the vanilla is pretty traditional for photos. You could easily get some gold and purple flake on it to go with your color scheme.

TONY:  
Four cakes seems reasonable, right?

BRUCE:  
Right.

THOR:  
At Asgardian feasts we would always have at least ten cakes.

BRUCE:  
Wow.

THOR:  
Of course, some of them would be fish cakes.

BRUCE:  
Of course.

THOR:  
So four is probably sufficient for your celebration.

TONY:  
But this tiramisu one is very good also.

BRUCE:  
You're just saying that because it's been over an hour since your last cup of coffee and you're going into withdrawal.

TONY:  
No, that's not it. Well, maybe. But, here, try it. 

BRUCE:  
Mm. Okay, yeah, I mean, five cakes is a good round number. 

TONY:  
Plus, Pepper's still on her business trip, so she's not here to vote. Maybe that one would be her favorite.

ANTONI:  
You can save pieces for her to try when she gets back.

TONY:  
Oh, sure, we will, but, I mean, we might as well just go ahead and get the order placed. For all the cakes.

ANTONI:  
Do you anticipate having any gluten-free guests or other allergies to consider?

TONY:  
No.

ANTONI:  
Okay. Well, if there are--

TONY:  
Nope.

ANTONI:  
\--All of these bakeries would be happy to make substitutions to accommodate your guests.

BRUCE:  
That's very thoughtful, thank you.

TONY:  
Bruce, did you try the lemon cream?

BRUCE:  
Yeah, it was great.

TONY:  
_(Extending finger covered with whipped cream)_  
Do you want to try it again?

BRUCE:  
_(Sighs, sucks Tony's finger)_  
It really is good.

TONY:  
Mm-hmm.

JONATHAN:  
Well...I think that is probably our cue to leave. But I think you two have everything you need to have a completely fabulous wedding.

TONY:  
_(Wrapping an arm around Bruce)_  
I think so too.

BRUCE:  
Aww. Well, thank you all so much for all of this, it's...I really appreciate all the time you spent on it. 

KARAMO:  
You're worth it, Bruce.

BRUCE:  
_(Smiles)_

TONY:  
He really is.

THOR:  
Thank you for my newly warmed hair, Jonathan!

JONATHAN:  
Any time, henny. Seriously, here's my phone number, call me any time and I will do your hair. Or whatever. Any. Time.

THOR:  
Or my beard!

JONATHAN:  
Sure, very that.

TAN:  
Sincerely, congratulations to you both. Marriage is a big commitment but it really is worth it, if you've found the right person.

BRUCE:  
Thanks. I have.

KARAMO:  
Can we do one last group hug before we leave?

BRUCE:  
Of course.

ALL:  
_(Group hug)_

 _INT: Fab 5 Truck_  
JONATHAN:  
_(Screams)_

ANTONI:  
Oh my god, are you okay?

JONATHAN:  
Thor just texted me!! He asked me to be his date to Bruce and Tony's actual wedding!!

KARAMO:  
Really?

JONATHAN:  
Well...he asked if I would fix his hair before the wedding. But obvi I'll work my wiles on him and he'll realize it would be super rude of him not to let me stick around for the rest of the day.

KARAMO:  
Got it.

JONATHAN:  
Of course, I will respect their desire for privacy and say nothing to the media. But I'll bring you back a gold rose.

KARAMO:  
Thanks, Jonathan, that would be great.

_(Fade out)_

_Still image: A selfie of Jonathan in formal attire, holding a gold rose in his teeth._


End file.
